The Things I Never Said
by Foxxy Mcgee
Summary: Rowen jumps at the chance to see Sage, but when something goes seriously wrong does he have the courage to tell the blonde how he feels? What happens when the glue holding them together breaks? Rowen's POV with memories. Death, fluff, and stuff like that.
1. The tumor

A/N: This has been trying to come out of me for a while, so I'm letting it. It's kind of a reflective story. And sad.

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I should've known something was wrong when Sage called me asking to stay with him at Mia's. She had went out of the country on research and asked him to keep an eye on the mansion, but it was feeling too big there and he would love to have some company. Of course I said yes, I had nothing major going on to stop me from leaving, I was working freelance jobs for myself and was beginning to get bored. Besides, I hadn't seen anyone else in quite some time, especially the blonde, who I missed the most. It took me a week to pack, finish up work, and book a plane ticket. I know I could've taken a bus, it wasn't that far of a flight, but there was some urgency to his request, something not quite right with how tired his voice sounded. Flying was something that was natural for me anyway.

He was waiting in the terminal when I got off the plane and I was shocked by his appearance. He looked... exhausted. His hair was longer, still wispy, and it hid his face, but what I could see worried me. He seemed pale and had dark circles under his eyes, well, the eye that was visible. And it seemed dull, still alert and aware of his surroundings... but stress and exhaustion was reflected back at me. When he saw me, he lit up instantly, even smiling. A huge grin, a rare Sage moment indeed. I have received hundreds of little smiles, but never a full on grin. And never a hug, which it seemed he was going to squeeze the life out of me. Feeling him close to me flooded me with warmth and a little hope there was more to him requesting my company than I originally assumed. I should've known something was wrong then, but I didn't put a lot of thought into it, he was after all, running a dojo, and had his own life. Stress was something I was all too familiar with.

_"Well, greetings to you, too." Rowen smirked, before flinging a bag over his shoulder and throwing the blonde a huge grin. "You could atleast buy a guy dinner first."_

_Sage rolled his eyes, still smiling. "I've seen you eat, it would kill the mood. Let's get out of here and find a restaurant before we head back to Mia's."_

_As we entered the parking lot Sage turned towards his blue haired companion suddenly. "Do you think you could drive?"_

_Rowen almost stopped in his tracks. "Did _you_ just ask _me_ to drive?" Something seemed wrong about that, but Rowen couldn't place his finger on it._

It took me almost a week to catch on to Sage's deliberate movements, he was hiding that he had suddenly become clumsy, and seemed to struggle to grasp things with his left hand, occasionally giving up and using his right. He could be easily confused, as if his thought was cloudy and it sometimes took him a moment to remember what a simple answer was. These moments seem to hit when he got frequent headaches that seem to plague him constantly. He spent a lot of his time with me in the house, even if i was quietly reading I could be assured that Sage was nearby or not far behind in joining me. I was just happy that he wanted to be in my presence and enjoyed every moment I could. It was weirder that he began to pick up my strange sleeping habits, sleeping in longer than me on some days. I realized something was seriously wrong at this point, I wasn't sure if Sage was even aware of how bizarre his behavior had become, but we were about to find out what was wrong with him.

_It was slightly warm out, but Rowen found that he still needed to wear a jacket. He sat by the edge of the lake pondering his friend's odd behavior. Sage had slept in that morning and now Rowen was alone. He found he didn't like to be seperated from the blonde at all. He skipped a few rocks across the water before a hand gently touched his shoulder._

_"I see your finally up." He commented, amused at his friend's odd behavior._

_But there was no response. _

_Slowly, Rowen turned to look at the blonde. Sage was very pale, face flushed, his hair sweaty and brushed back, showing both of his eyes. What scared Rowen the most was they weren't aligned, and very unfocused. Sage sway in front of him and Rowen grabbed him by the arm steadying him._

_"Sage?" It was barely a whisper._

_"My head..." Was the only reply from the other, who still hadn't focused on Rowen. _

I still remember the day he came to me, looking very sick, it scared me how bad he was. He wouldn't talk to me at all. He just stood there unable to focus on anything. I'm not sure how he even made it out of the house to find me. I rushed him to the hospital that day, I sped the whole way. I don't think I was even concerned about getting pulled over. I was so worried I would lose him before I even had a chance to tell him everything I'd been dying to say.

After some tests and a brief examination, Sage was taken back for some scans on his head. The diagnosis came back as an enlarged tumor on the right side of the brain. They needed to perform emergency surgery to release the pressure or Sage would die. I left long enough to call the others, urging them to come as fast as they could. The doctors told me that the chances of survival were very low. They arrived before Sage's eight hour surgery was over. I remember burning my tongue as I sipped a coffee wondering how much it had cost them to get there or if they would even get to see Sage.

A surgeon that performed the operation came out to talk to us at that point. He instructed us that only half the tumor was able to be removed and they took a sample from it to find out what kind it was and if it would continue to grow. The doctor informed me that his strange behavior and appearance was from the pressure buildup in his skull. They warned us that they had shaved his head and that Sage would look very sick for a few days, he may not even be up to talking with us. I felt my heart sink a little at the news, but I remember taking a deep breath, trying to steady myself for what I was going to see. Yhey allowed us to go into the room to see him and I felt a jolt shoot through me.

_Sage was sitting reclined in the bed watching a nurse hook up an iv to his arm. He looked up when the others entered, even giving a small smile. His face was swollen and his eyes were bruised, but he seemed more alert than before. His head was wrapped with a bandage, but you could tell the once golden hair was gone. One by one they all hugged him. Rowen settled next to the bed, slipping his hand next to Sage's, suprised when the other hand grabbed his and tightened. _

_"There are better ways of getting us to come see you man." Kento grinned and pulled a chair up next to him._

_He returned a smile and nodded._

_The nurse pushed a syringe into his iv and emptied it, before looking towards Rowen. "He's on a lot of medication right now. He will need help getting to the bathroom. Page us if he needs any help."_

_"We have it under control. Thank you." They watched as the nurse exited the room. _

_"Sage how-" Ryo started, but stopped again as Sage's eyes slowly closed and he drifted off to sleep. "I think we should let him rest for now." His sad eyes reflected the worry running through his head and he sighed._

The day the tests results came back Sage was awake and aware, playing chess with me, and Cye, and even having conversations with Ryo and Kento, trying to get caught up on everything that had been happening since we'd grown apart. I remember being terrified when the doctor entered the room with a serious expression on his face, telling us the results were back. It felt like ice water was running through my veins, but I knew that everything would be ok, it to be. Sage would get better, he'd have to. They were going to remove the rest of the tumor and everything would be fine again. Sage never got sick. Never.

The doctor told us the results, and I suddenly felt very cold. I dropped the chess piece I was holding. I don't remember what happened after that.

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There you have it! The first chapter is up. Don't you love that cute little cliff hanger? I do.

The baby was kicking me the whole time I was typing. It must be time for me to eat something. Which happens to be my favorite time of day.


	2. Glio

A/N: Thank you to all the lovely reviewers, you give me fuel to continue on.

WalkingIvy - Sage is one of my favorites... we'll see. hehe. I snorted when I giggled. (

Hellfire - Sage does have a brain tumor. A nasty one, but they could only remove half of it, since it's so dangerous to mess with the brain. You find out what happens to Rowen in this chapter. I'm 21 1/2 weeks so the kicking isn't as painful as it could be. They think it's a girl, but I find out for sure this Friday. No names yet, I'm torn between so many.

Zorra - I was hoping people would get the impression it was one-shot and then I left that huge cliff hanger. Teehee. I'm impressed that you were almost to tears, that means my writing is semi-decent! Yay! Feel free to proofread.. I will go back and edit that chapter. I think the other mistake was "Yhey." Instead of they. Among others.

Now on with the chapter before the personals are longer that the chapter. Oh, keep in mind that we have newer medicines for tumors a lot of the treatments and stuff are older to keep with the original date of RW.

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There are many forms of tumors... many shapes and sizes. I've studied them before, quite impressed with how various they could be. One man could have a small tumor perfect and hard, "encapsulated," it could be removed as simple as reaching in and taking it, no damage. Then someone else could have a tumor that was soft and ran down through their brain in spindly trials, to remove it would damage the brain. It just kept growing out in trails until the patient died. Some were soft, like the one Sage had, soft and large, and had to be removed carefully and sometimes you couldn't get it all out at once, or the trails it left behind.

There were many types of tumors as well. Benign. Malignant. Sage's tumor was classified as a "astroblastoma," which isn't what sent the numbness down my spine. It was what the tumor was _doing. _It was undergoing a "glioblastomatous transformation." The prefix "glio" was never good. No one ever recovered from them. Sage was going to die, soon. He would slowly forget to function as the tumor ate his brain. He would become blind, paralyzed, and finally die, painfully. They said he didn't have more than a month of normal function, tops. After the blindness it would move very fast. Then he would be gone forever.

That's what the doctor told us, what made my blood run cold. I ran. I wanted out of that room, away from the doctor, the feelings, that thing that was destroying the most important person to me. I ran down the hallway, flying by nurses and patients, seeing mouths moving, but hearing no sound, like a vacuum. Then, suddenly, there was a weird sound, it took a moment before I realized it was me, wheezing and sobbing uncontrollably, still running down that hall, trying to distance myself from all the bad. I burst through the main doors and out to the grass before I collapsed to my knees and blackness claimed me.

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Sorry it's so short, I really wanted to get that much out before bedtime. I'm about to crash... I have strep. :( You eat less when you sleep more. I seem to eat all the time now. lol.


	3. Never saw it coming

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A/N: I have a rough, rough copy of this story in a notebook, so the story is done, but not typed.** I had my ultrasound, it's a girl!**

Hellfire - The ending will probably surprise you a lot, I hope you stick with it. I have a list of names, but I can't decide on one at all. Poop. I have traditional ones, foreign, biblical, random ones... I don't want to name her a plain name, but nothing too wild either. I may have something though. I hope.

Zorra - I debated on the 'an' 'a' thing for a while. I couldn't tell which one. Hehe. I still need to go back and edit the first chapter. As for medical I do mine for hobby and work. I use to volunteer with the rescue squad, but now I'm pregnant. LOL! But I dream of being a paramedic or midwife. It's all so fascinating, isn't it? Yes, Rowen took that very badly. Shame on him!

This chapter is sad. Sorry it's not story like, but I'm just writing it as if someone is telling it to you. I got a PM about how it wasn't story like... do your friends tell you things in third person like a narrator? No, I don't think so. That's what the brief memories are for.

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I don't know how long I sat out there, but someone crouched down next to me and I recognized Cye with a stern look on his face.

_"What do you want?" The blue haired boy growled out, twisting around to face the other._

_"I came to see how you where."_

_"Leave me alone." He turned away and began picking at the grass before him._

_Cye stiffened, then stood. "If that's what you want. But don't you think it's pretty selfish of you? How do you think Sage feels? Confined to that damn bed, having to watch you run away from him. What kind of friend does that?" He turned to go, before his face softened seeing the other's hurt expression. "Pull yourself together. When you are ready to see him we will give you some time alone." _

_With that he was gone and Rowen sat staring at his hands in guilt._

Cye's chiding had a significant impact on me, mainly because I knew he was right. What kind of friend runs out at the most crucial moment?

This one.

It hurt to know, hurt to realize that Sage could leave us.

A horrible death.

I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I realized that I didn't want to see him go in that way. I wanted to remember him as the strong warrior I knew him as. But I knew then that I would take care of him, to the end, no matter what. I couldn't save him, but I could hold him up til the end.

It took sometime before I could "pull myself together" and get back into the room. True to his word, Cye left the room, taking the others with him. Sage sat starting at me calmly, as usual, picking up what I felt and understanding instantly. I couldn't help but stand there, hands in my pockets and blink sheepishly. How do you apologize for running away from your dying friend? It was silent for a long time before Sage beckoned me closer and I went. He pulled me down into a tight embrace and I realized he would always be the Sage I remembered. It was then he told me something that chilled me to the core and I would never forget it.

_"If it gets that bad, overdose me. I'd rather die in a beautiful dream."_

I can still hear that at night, sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep.

The doctors were right about that type of tumor, usually it kills it's patient slowly reducing them to a simple shell, until they forget how to breath or function at all. But they didn't count on the power of Sage or Halo that flowed through him. They started him on chemo, and ended with mustard gas treatment, and surprisingly he started to get better. They had take a small chunk of skull out, so we always had to be careful of anything near his head. He got thinner, restless, and tired. The days he had treatments he spent puking his guts out til there was nothing left, it didn't help that they kept him dehydrated to keep the pressure off his brain.

Through it all Cye traveled back and forth frequently, since Kento and ryo couldn't always get away to see him. He brought things from my apartment a couple of times, and spent a lot of time informing Sage of the outside world or anything Sage wanted or needed to know. Sometimes when I was too tired to function he would make sure I got much needed sleep and even when he was exhausted he would stay up, talking to me, reassuring me that Sage was getting better and everything would be fine. He was the support of the group, the glue that bound us all together.

I had never been very close to Cye, but during that time I found that we were getting to be better friends then I ever imagined. He was the cheerleader that kept us all going, even when he didn't have the strength to take care of himself. If I had known then what I know now, I think I would've told him how I felt then, but I'm terrible at sharing anything. After all, I still hadn't told Sage how I'd felt. I tried to show him with simple gestures, but I never had the courage for words.

Sage was released after a six month hospital stay. They doctors could do no more to help him, but the tumor had responded so positively to the treatment, we were no longer as worried.

He was still required to go in for treatment, and after a long discussion with everyone I decided to stay at Mia's to take care of everything. I worked for myself and I could relocate easier than anyone. The others came and went, less frequently now, but Cye continued to visit us at least every weekend, if not more. We were told that Mia would be coming home as soon as her time on the project was up, and she wanted us all to stay, as long as we wanted and to make Sage comfortable. She called to check in on him daily.

Sage had good days, bad days, and some truly horrible days. He would get lost walking through the house or forget names and faces. Some weekends he wouldn't recognize Cye when he visited us. The skin covering the hole in his skull began to bulge outwards and looked as thought it would pop open. Four months after his discharge we returned to the hospital and Sage was admitted. The doctors had to lance the hole and drain it, collecting a huge amount of pus. They said it was a slight infection and believed the tumor to be regrowing. They shaved his head and prepped him for surgery again. That was when they informed us that the tumor had grown and become spongy. They could barely remove anything from his brain this time and were too afraid of damage to try again. They discharged him after two months to hospice and told us to make him as comfortable as possible.

It had been a year since this nightmare began and I still hadn't told Sage how I felt. My time was running out and I was in complete denial. I found little moments to hold his hand or make him food. If he was upset and I held him. I tried to bring him small things I thought he would like or take him to his favorite places. It seemed as though he was just getting further and further away from me. I started to let myself go to hell to make sure he was comfortable, and I think it got on his nerves, but inside he knew that it was more for my comfort as well, and started to let me help him. Cye, Kento, and Ryo moved into Mia's temporarily to help me care for Sage and continue working. Sometimes when I was too frustrated to finish a job Cye took over and made the deal for me, becoming a business partner and assistant over night. I became prone to short, angry outbursts quite frequently and he always handled me better than anyone else could have.

_Cye leaned over the laptop to glance at his blue haired friend. "I know how you feel, Rowen. Maybe not a hundred percent, but I do. Sometimes life isn't fair. Don't roll your eyes, I know you hate that saying, but it's true. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand it. We'll make it through this... all of us."_

One night while I was reviewing an account Cye had closed, a feeling of dread washed over me and I felt sick. Sage had been staying overnight at the hospital for testing and I began to worry that something had gone wrong. It had been Ryo's turn to stay with him and he'd looked fine when he left, but I knew something wasn't right. Cye had left to run something to the hopsital and hadn't returned yet, so obviously something happened to that delayed him. I grabbed my coat and started for the door when the phone rang.

Once.

Twice.

The number showed up as the hospital's and I felt dizzy and ill.

_"Hello?" Rowen's had trembled as he held the phone, as though he was afraid it would bite him._

_"Rowen, there's been an accident." Kento's voice reach him, sounded forced and gruff, as if he'd been crying. "Get here now. He's dying!"_

_Rowen dropped the phone and ran._

I was afraid of what I would see when I got to the hospital, but I never expected that call would be about Cye, not Sage. I was informed that Cye was hit by a drunk driver as he crossed the street to the hospital. The driver had just take a corner very sharp and plowed over Cye, never stopping to check the victim, it was so fast Cye hadn't even seen the car coming. He had been responsive at first, answering all the questions the paramedics asked, but had a violent seizure as they wheeled him into the emergency room. By the time he was brought into surgery he had went comatose. He never woke up from surgery, he died there on the operating table. They were unable to revive him.

I cussed him, God, the planet, everything. I remember punching the side of my car, denting it, not caring what happened. Cye was taken from us with no warning, nothing. I later sold that car, the dent reminded me of that night every time I saw it.

Everything happens for a reason. Yeah right.

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Surpise! I know, I suck.


	4. Sunrise, sunset

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A/N: Here comes the replies...

Hellfire - Hahaha, Killing Cye was away to progress the story. I could've spared him, but what fun would that be? One of my exes punched a car once, he didn't think it would do much, but wow. Those are pretty names... good news is that I shrunk my list.

Jen Lewis - Oh, but I did! And I felt bad about it.

weirdo4life - You must've caught the little hint. hehe.

Here we go guys.

* * *

The week after Cye's death is a blur to me. The autopsy report said death was due to brain swelling and a clot passing through his brain. I remember the four of us standing in the rain at his funeral, it was surreal. Someone so young, so full of caring, lying in front of us, motionless. The glue that had been pulling us together was gone now, and the pain was unbearable. I refused to believe it, I walked out of the funeral home after the service, I didn't want a part of this. I thought if I ignored it, then none of it was real. When I finally sat down in defeat, letting my grief wash over me, there was no one standing there to lecture me for being a bad friend. Walking out on someone that was trapped, laying there. But it was different that time. Cye wasn't coming back and I had to deal with it alone.

Sage took Cye's passing hard, just as hard as Kento, or any of us. He seemed to feel that it was his fault, Cye was coming to see him at the hospital. He was very stressed at that point and we began to see him regress. I knew then we couldn't beat whatever this thing was that was destroying his brain. I think Kento and Ryo picked up on it as well, we never talked about it, they just slowly became a permanent fixture in the house. We just passed the days talking or visiting places we had been before. Sage became very weak and confused, sometimes he didn't remember the places we were at all. Sometimes he didn't understand why Cye wasn't with us. On those days we told him Cye was busy, but he wished Sage the best. We couldn't bring ourselves to tell him what really happened.

He came to me one day said he wanted to be alone, just us and the sunset. He seemed urgent and unusually clear-headed. He was moving slower than usual, but sitting out there in the sun seemed to recharge him. We sat near the lake and he laid his head down on my shoulder and I leaned mine on his. I knew it was time to tell him everything, tell him how I felt about him. I knew it was the end and I was terrified.

_The sky was a vibrant shade of blues and purples, and Sage took at deep breath when he saw it. "Isn't it beautiful?"_

_Rowen nodded and smiled. "I can see why you like it so much. We should watch the sunrise tomorrow, too, like you use to huh?"_

_Sage let out a small sound, a cross between a laugh and a sigh. "I don't think I will see any more of them."_

_Rowen tensed and looked down at the head resting on his shoulder, the golden hair almost grown out again and felt very cold. "Don't talk like that. There is so much we have to do still, and -"_

_"I'm tired, Ro." The blonde looked up at him for a moment. "Let's just watch the sunset together, please?"_

_"Sage, I need -"_

_"Shh. I understand." Sage put a finger to Rowen's lips, then entwined their hands together. _

_They sat like that as the sun set, until Rowen could hear the blonde's breathing become slow and even, he was asleep. He stayed that way a long time, watching the stars appear through the tears that clouded his sight, until he felt the other boy become heavy and breathe one last peaceful breath, then drop still. _

_"Sage?" The tears completely blurred his vision as he turned to hold the blonde next to him, but there was no response, he knew there wouldn't be. He sat there until the sun rose one final time._

He gave me that one final sunset, he could've been with any one, but he gave it to me. As I held him there, crying, all I could think about were the things I've never said.

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One more chapter! I'll probably post it up today, actually.


	5. Tequila Sunrise

A/N: I meant to finish this story sooner, but I went into preterm labor and was taken out of work. I spent the rest of my pregnancy suffering from intense contractions every 5 minutes and went to L&D three times to be turned away for "stalling" at a 2 and undilating. They finally induced me 2 days before my due date and I had a healthy baby girl that pooped in utero. I had a 4th degree episiotomy and fractured my tail bone pushing too hard. She was 8lbs 8.3ozs and 21" long. I am finally healed and we're going great!

alchemistmagiciangirl - Thank you for the review! Nice to see another FF mommy on here! I am lucky, my daugther is very calm and peaceful.

walkingivy - I saw the opportunity and ran with it! Heh.

Life the Fay - There is a reason for everything

Hellfire - I agree! LOL

wlk68 & weirdo4life - Thanks!

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The day of the funeral the sun hid behind clouds, as if it were ashamed to be seen on such a day, as if it, too, mourned the lost of it's golden child. I could only stare at Sage's face until my vision blurred with tears. As we walked away from him one last time I could hear my heart rip apart and I fell to my knees and cried. Somehow Kento and Ryo dragged me to the car kicking and screaming like a small child. The ride home was quiet and awkward, everyone was lost in their own thoughts of our comrades.

That was the last time I saw Kento and Ryo that year. I found a new friend, someone I could trust in, someone who was always there for me, someone who kept me warm and never got tired of me. Most importantly, someone who could never leave me, the only friend I needed. I buried myself in the bottle or anything else that promised to help me escape reality for a while. Mia come by many times to clean my apartment of all the beer bottles and trash and I ignored her, she always offered me help in her own way, but the visits died down until she quit coming by at all.

_"Rowen-" The redhead started looking around the apartment in disgust._

_"Dun start, Dun wanna hear it." He downed another bottle of beer, watching the foaming trail down the sides of the bottle, as if he didn't have a care in the world._

_The woman sighed in defeat and shrugged. "Fine."_

_She headed to the door and paused, turning back to look at him. "This is it then. I can't stand around any more and watch you destroy yourself. I can't stand by and watch someone else I love die. Goodbye Rowen."_

_The door slammed closed behind her and Rowen squeezed his eyes shut as a single tear slid down his face. _

Once Mia gave up on me, I gave up on me, but Ryo didn't. Mia told him everything and he came to the apartment with a disgusted Kento close on his heels. They cleaned the own place, ignoring my protests. Kento grabbed me off the couch and carried me to the bathroom where Ryo stood with the detachable shower head.

_"What the fuck are you - glahhhg!" Rowen squirmed and fought in the shower, but the two other Ronins held him down, spraying the icy water over him._

_"Time to sober up, Rowen."_

It was a long battle, but I got sober, and started getting my life on track. I owed them a lot for getting me out of the bottle, believing in me when everyone else had walked out on me. I accompanied Kento to Cye's grave every day to leave flowers or to check on it. I think in his own way, Kento knew exactly what I was going through more than anyone. As many times as we saw Cye, I could never bring myself to visit Sage's gravesite.

Two years passed quickly and I still hadn't healed, but I had moved on with my life and spent a lot of time in my studies. It was on the eve of the anniversary that Ryo came to me. He told me it was time, that I needed to say goodbye to Sage and let go of everything. I told him I would never let go, I could never forget Sage. He said nothing, but watched me with a knowing look. We both knew, I didn't want to admit it, but it was time.

I sat and watched the sunrise, leaned next to the cold grave. It was the first sunrise I had seen since that morning and I felt the tears begin to fall down my face. It was wrong... everything was wrong. Everything I had wanted to say, everything on the tip of my tongue now sat empty and heavy on my heart. It was then I realized that I had hated Sage these last two years, I hated him for leaving me, for knowing and never saying anything. Always trying to protect me from getting hurt and in the end he had hurt me by leaving me behind. More tears fell, hot on my cheeks and I felt a catch in my throat, but I couldn't hold it back. I cried for the first time since the funeral, I cried for all the grief of my lost friends, everything in my heart, for anyone that had to suffer like me. It was then that the sun peaked just over the horizon and lit the grave stone next to me, sparkling on it as it had once down to golden hair.

It was then that I felt it, as if someone was sitting next to me, hand on mine, and I turned to look at golden hair as it rested on my shoulder. The image faded as face as it had come, but the feeling did not. It was a feeling that I had been ignoring for two years, a feeling Kento had every day. He was there with me, not physically, but Sage would always be with me, even Cye. I stared back up at the sun as it rose and shined brighter then I'd ever known.

It was then when I knew I'd be alright.


End file.
